Loving... HER by Ace Alabanza

How do you stop a heart from loving someone?

I’m a bisexual. I admit it. I fall for boys and I fall for girls too. But I find myself loving girls more. I’m the type of person who doesn’t fall for any of my friends. Coz I really find it very awkward to fall for someone who you regard as your sister or brother. But in my case, I never really expect that it would happen. Falling for your own friend, the person you regard as your own sister. It’s quite hard to fall for someone whom you see yourself with in the future, the person you never dreamed of but still the person you want to dream with.

Of all the relationship I had, I guess this was one of the most unexpected and crazy thing that happened to me.

Another pain from another pain, I thought I would never fall again. But I did. For the unexpected reasons… For the UNEXPECTED person.

She was one of my ordinary friends in college, shared the same interests and hobbies. I liked her from the moment I saw her. Liked. As in, to be my friend. Nothing more. She wasn’t that good at school. So sometimes, I ran errands for her because she was special to me. It may seem that I’ve been used. But it didn’t felt that way because we were friends. Until we turned 2^nd year and 3^rd year, we part ways. All she cares is about going to parties, friend influences and relationships. I never found her vacant. She was always in love with someone else. It didn’t hit me back then. Because we were JUST FRIENDS.

On the last semester of my 3^rd year in college, we get acquainted once again. We’ve never been that close before. There was something about her that time. I never knew what it was.  But then I knew something was starting in me. I was falling for her. We usually ate together, stayed together, went home together and we became more than friends. I never thought I would have that kind of feeling for her. I tried to take a step back but I find myself coming back to her.

But I know that it was wrong. She still loved her ex. I was there witnessing every inch of her, through the good times and the bad times. I finally confessed to her. But as expected, she rejected me. Not because she doesn’t love me, but she was not ready to face another love. I know that she still love her ex. And all I ever did was to love her in silence. I never asked anything in return. Not even to love me back. It was then that I realized that, love is giving and not expecting anything in return. Because when you love, you give a part of you that you can never take back. Risking it. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. All I have to do was to wait for the day that my love for her would be gone.

Maybe, I was assuming too much that I never dared to ask her directly about how she felt about me or was it just my wishful thinking that led me to get hurt? Both.

April 19, 2014 (Black Saturday)